My entire life I’ve never been normal. I was always the fat kid from the religiously oppressive family who was homeschooled and who wasn’t allowed to go to sleepovers or have friends or listen to music. While my peers were getting their driving permits and preparing for college, I was binging in the middle of the night and having my bedroom door taken off its hinges. “Normal” is the only thing I’ve ever wanted to be but I’m starting to realize that blending into the crowd isn’t something I’ll ever be able to do.

I’m 26 years old and I don’t have a driver’s license, even though I don’t live in a city. At 440lbs, I was too big to fit behind the wheel and before that, my parents decided not to let me get my permit. Not when I was 15, not when I was 18, not until I was in my 20s. I’m taking my driver’s test in less than two weeks and I’m fucking terrified that I’m not going to pass. I’m fucking terrified of having yet another reason to be different from everybody else.

but things are hopefully calming down for me and i’ve missed you guys. be patient with me, i swear i’ll be interesting (and back to being mostly fitblr) soon

and with that, the wedding is over and i can have my life back

and then i’ll be moving on tuesday into my own space, and out of this prison-like room. i’m not worrying so much about my weight right now but once the wedding and moving stress is over, shit will get real again.

i don’t take selfies often but when i do, look out

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i’m still considered medically obese and will be until i lose another 30lbs, when i drop down to overweight. my mom constantly calls me “small” as if i don’t have another 80lbs to lose. it’s a minor, silly complaint, but losing weight has gotten so much harder over the last year that it’s become more of a struggle now than it was when i was almost 440lbs. and i know that losing 225lbs is  a  long way from where i was, but i’m still not even close to where i want to be.

You guys, my tumblr exploded overnight, I gained four trillion followers.

a) you dudes are awesome, b) please don’t unfollow me when you realize how uncool I am, c) I have a TON of messages to reply to and I’ll be getting to them after I get some sleep.

YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME, I AM NOT DESERVING.

Going to see Oz: The Great and Powerful (to continue to feed my Wizard of Oz obsession, and like, obsession isn’t even the word here because I’m so intensely attached to that story that it’s probably 7 shades of crazy; my next two tattoos will be Wizard of Oz related) and come back to try out Dead Space 3. EA gave it to me for free for being a fuckhole douchenugget with Simcity (which I still love) and the premise is just too cool not to try.

Have any of you guys seen the movie or played the game? What am I in for?

I grew up with people telling me that I’d be so pretty if I just lost weight, and that I have such a pretty face, which made me feel like the rest of me wasn’t worth much.

Because of that I’ve had this idea that if I lost weight, everything would be okay. My life would be perfect, I would be happy, and someone would want me.

I’ve lost 224lbs and I can definitively say that that isn’t true.

It doesn’t matter that I’ve lost weight (which isn’t to say it doesn’t matter, because it does, and I have to work on being proud of that too, but emotionally there’s no difference) because I never figured out how to love myself at any size. I’ve fallen into a trap of believing that if I just lose this many more pounds, I’ll be happy and I’ll be beautiful and the pieces of my life will magically fall into place. But if it hasn’t worked so far, so why would it work just because I’ve gotten to my goal weight, or had skin removal surgery, or the world views me as “normal”?

I don’t post many personal pictures on here because I’m too scared of being judged, of not being pretty enough, of not being thin enough, of not being good enough.

Now I have to figure out how to love myself in a way that isn’t weight dependent, or marked by what stares back at me in the mirror. Because the girl staring back at me still weighs 436lbs and she needs to be loved, too.