and then i’ll be moving on tuesday into my own space, and out of this prison-like room. i’m not worrying so much about my weight right now but once the wedding and moving stress is over, shit will get real again.
i’m still considered medically obese and will be until i lose another 30lbs, when i drop down to overweight. my mom constantly calls me “small” as if i don’t have another 80lbs to lose. it’s a minor, silly complaint, but losing weight has gotten so much harder over the last year that it’s become more of a struggle now than it was when i was almost 440lbs. and i know that losing 225lbs is a long way from where i was, but i’m still not even close to where i want to be.
I wasn’t going to post this because I have a badly angled chipmunk face in the picture on the right, and the placement of my arm flab is making it look like there are more fat rolls than there are, but sometimes you need a reminder in spite of your vanity. I just need to remember that I’ve come a long way and I will get to where I’m going eventually.
Picture on the left, 436lbs. Picture on the right, 211.
This is my maid of honor dress for my sister’s wedding, but I plan to drop another size before then.
Oh, and the size on the left is 34, size on the right, 14 from a non plus size store.
Had these chipotle lime vegetarian (possibly vegan, I’m not sure) crispy fingers for a late dinner. I ate four, 340 calories, really really tasty. If you get the chance to try this, I absolutely recommend it. They’re a little more processed than I’d like but it’s definitely a better choice than fast food.
And it was good.Like really fucking good. And southern girls have high grit standards.
I grew up with people telling me that I’d be so pretty if I just lost weight, and that I have such a pretty face, which made me feel like the rest of me wasn’t worth much.
Because of that I’ve had this idea that if I lost weight, everything would be okay. My life would be perfect, I would be happy, and someone would want me.
I’ve lost 224lbs and I can definitively say that that isn’t true.
It doesn’t matter that I’ve lost weight (which isn’t to say it doesn’t matter, because it does, and I have to work on being proud of that too, but emotionally there’s no difference) because I never figured out how to love myself at any size. I’ve fallen into a trap of believing that if I just lose this many more pounds, I’ll be happy and I’ll be beautiful and the pieces of my life will magically fall into place. But if it hasn’t worked so far, so why would it work just because I’ve gotten to my goal weight, or had skin removal surgery, or the world views me as “normal”?
I don’t post many personal pictures on here because I’m too scared of being judged, of not being pretty enough, of not being thin enough, of not being good enough.
Now I have to figure out how to love myself in a way that isn’t weight dependent, or marked by what stares back at me in the mirror. Because the girl staring back at me still weighs 436lbs and she needs to be loved, too.
I’m freaking out about not knowing how many calories will be in the food.
I really need to not do that, but I can’t seem to help it.
i promise to stop worrying so much about how many calories are in something and start worrying about the kinds of calories i’m eating
i promise to grab a handful of almonds and not freak out, i promise to eat a fucking avocado if i want to eat a fucking avocado without spazzing about the fat content
if i want a big salad with spinach and grilled chicken and strawberries, i promise to eat it and not panic about how many calories are in the olive oil, and remember that olive oil is okay, and calories are okay, and it’s the kinds of calories, not the amount, that will determine my health
reblog and make this promise to yourself, too, because you deserve it
I got my rehearsal dinner dress today, though I plan on losing a lot more weight between now and the end of April so, with any luck, I’ll have to get another one. I bought a little jacket to hide my arms, since I’m more self conscious about them than any other part of my body.
Size 14 at Torrid! I started out at a size 34.
Did anyone else lose a lot of weight and find themselves surprised by the emerging shape of their body? I’ve got no chest and huge hips.